Dancing Industrial is like Germans playing Basketball.

Bildschirmfoto 2013-01-24 um 18.38.15“Industrial Dance is a bit like Germans playing Basketball except for it’s not a sport.”

I asked our Facebook crew some days ago, whether they had any idea what that could remotely mean. I think except for Faderhead no one really got my point, so I feel like I should give you all a ride on my train of thoughts.

Playing basketball in Germany is different. When Germans do a sport, they like to do it by the book. As the rules say, Basketball is a “Körperlose Sportart”. No body contact. Tackles are either foul or gay. Don’t you dare to touch me. Real Germans like to do team sports in clubs. The German organisational form of a “Eingetragener Verein” is among the most conservative entities imaginable. It features a board, a treasury, garden gnomes and rivalry with other local sport clubs, so that people can finally throw their balls in a basket.

Dancing industrial seems similar! People tend to stay on one spot, facing one direction. No eye contact. No touch. Everyone in his own spot and area, organized and tidy. Just like in some weird disco-dancing-TV-show from the late 70s. Without a camera though. Some of the german dancers claim to be part of some “Elite” or group, some even have business cards with a logo and things. I firmly believe they have garden gnomes somewhere too.

This dance culture is well documented on youtube. Every style and movement is filed and ready to be copied. Precise execution of every move will successfully hide any sort of emotion or compassion. In fact one might think the DIN once published a standard paper for that. However, they never did.

It’s time for a change.

I fully support Faderhead’s proposal of an Industrial dancer’s license for all German clubs to enhance aesthetics and safety! If industrial dance can’t be sexy, it at least should be safe and pneumatic!

Dancers shall be certified in 4 levels after thorough tests in counting to 4 and back as well as in movie sample lore:

1. Tanzbodenpferdchen (We propose that to be a unicorn)
2. Bronze Medal
3. Silver Medal
4. Gold Medal

No entry to an industrial club shall be permitted without a grade 1 “Tanzbodenpferdchen” licence. No cage dancing bellow silver level. We also propose Gold level dancers to be adressed with “His/Her pneumatic majesty” and their drinks are to be paid by lower ranking dancers. Dancers need to wear their badge on their hotpants, muscle shirt or battle armor all the time.

The rules are to be enforced by a Dancemaster which will be positioned on their IRON THRONE at the side of the Dancefloor.

These measures may appear draconian to some, but they will enhance the experience of a club night to total de-escalation.

Let’s do this and germanize the dancefloor.

-jl-, straftanz.zk


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